Sermon: "Extending Grace To Those Who Are Grieving"
When someone loses a loved one, or their spouse walks out on them, or you hear they have cancer, do you have a hard time approaching them because you don’t know what to say to them?
It is difficult to reach out to someone who is grieving, and when you do reach out, the grieving person may respond in a way or say some things that may make you even more uncomfortable. They may start crying, they may be angry and they may say some bad things about God. Grief affects people in many different ways.
This morning, with the help of a lady by the name of Kathy Rowley, we are going to take a fresh look at the story of Job and learn some ways that we can be gracious to those who are grieving.
Kathy lives and works in California. I have never met Kathy and have not spoken or corresponded with her. Yet she has given me a whole new perspective of the relationship between Job and his wife and how the interaction between them can teach us a lot about being gracious to those who are grieving.
Here is what I read that introduced me to Kathy and made me want to explore what she had to say about being gracious to those who are grieving.
During a 10 year period, I experienced my own series of losses: untreatable infertility, a failed foster/adoption placement due to a false charge of child abuse, tubal pregnancy, the loss of my husband’s mental health and career, his several spinal surgeries, legal battles with his former business partners, and two bouts of extensive damage to our home - including a vicious vandalism and burglary. Then my vibrant mother died suddenly, followed by my father three months after he’d been diagnosed with a brain tumor.
I wondered if the losses would ever end. I’d begin to rise from one wave only to be tumbled by the next. I turned to the book of Job during those grief-shrouded years, and his questions about suffering became familiar. I also gained new perspective on the infamous words of his wife.
I felt what Kathy had to say about being gracious to those who are grieving would be worth considering.
What really got my attention was the following statement: “I also gained a new perspective on the infamous words of his (Job’s) wife.”
I confess that I never thought highly of Job’s wife. To me she appeared to be a person with very little faith or compassion. Kathy gave me a whole new perspective on Job’s wife and one that makes a lot of sense.
But before we look at what Job’s wife said, we need to share the story of Job, since it may be new to some of you.
You can learn to be gracious (helpful) to those who are grieving by studying the story of Job and his wife.
Let’s begin by looking at …
I. THE STORY OF JOB
We are going to do this by asking a series of questions and allow God’s word to answer them. The first question is …
A. WHO IS JOB?
ANSWER: JOB 1:1-3 – 1In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. 2He had seven sons and three daughters, 3and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.
Wow! He was the type of man we would like to meet, or be married to. An upright man who worshipped God. A man blessed with ten children and a lot of wealth. A man considered to be the greatest in the area where he lived.
B. WHAT TYPE OF A FATHER WAS JOB?
ANSWER: JOB 1:4-5 – 4His sons used to take turns holding feasts in their homes, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. 5When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, “Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” This was Job’s regular custom.
Job loved his children in a wonderful way – he taught them about God, he saw that they showed respect to God and he interceded with God on their behalf. That is setting a good example for all fathers.
Job sure looks like a good person to me, but …
C. WHAT WAS GOD’S VIEW OF JOB?
ANSWER: JOB 1:6-8 – 6One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. 7The Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.” 8Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”
As you can see, God held Job in high regard. Job’s heart matched his actions. But as you know, there is always someone ready to accuse us and that someone is Satan.
So let’s look at …
D. WHAT WAS SATAN’S VIEW OF JOB?
ANSWER: JOB 1:9-10 – 9“Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. 10“Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.”
Satan can be blunt. He said God had purchased Job’s love with all of the blessings God had given to Job and so he issued a challenge to God. The next question is …
E. WHAT WAS SATAN’S CHALLENGE?
ANSWER: JOB 1:11 – But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.
Satan said, “If you take all of Job’s blessings from him he will no longer love you … in fact, he will curse you.”
That’s getting right to the heart of the issue.
F. WHAT WAS GOD’S RESPONSE TO SATAN’S CHALLENGE?
ANSWER: JOB 1:12 – The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.” Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.
God was not afraid of the challenge. It is interesting to note that God didn’t take anything from Job, he just gave Satan the authority to do anything he wanted to do to Job except touch him physically.
Knowing how weak mankind is, Satan no doubt felt he had won the game. God is wise beyond our comprehension. Here we see some of that wisdom at work as he gives Satan the authority to do what he wants. This will make it harder for Satan to say God wasn’t hard enough on Job.
Naturally the next question is …
G. WHAT DID SATAN DO TO JOB?
Before we look at the answer, think about it for a moment. If you wanted to make a person suffer, but couldn’t touch them what would you do? Here is what Satan did.
ANSWER: JOB 1:13-17 – 13One day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 14a messenger came to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 15and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
16While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
17While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
There goes all of Job’s wealth and livelihood. He is now a poor man … but Satan is not done.
JOB 1:18-19 – 18While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 19when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
There is perhaps the greatest loss we can experience, the loss of a child. Job experienced it tenfold.
The next question may seem cruel, but it needs to be asked …
H. WHAT WAS JOB’S RESPONSE
ANSWER: JOB 1:20-22 – 20At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” 22In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
His response to the four tragedies that crashed down upon him is seen in both what he does and what he does not do.
What he does is simply to turn the flood of personal tragedy into a fountain of praise. He lifts up his “Unchangeable God,” as the changeable world crashes down on him.
What he does not do is what we as Christians often do … blame God.
Job was able to respond as he did because he accepted the truth all along that everything he had belonged to God.
I’m sure Satan was shocked by Job’s response, while God was pleased. That brings us to the next question.
I. DID GOD CONFRONT SATAN CONCERNING JOB’S RESPONSE?
ANSWER: JOB 2:1-3 – 1On another day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. 2And the Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.”
3Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.”
Don’t you love how God went about confronting Satan. God knew where Satan had just come from, but still he asks the question. Satan also knew that God was aware that he had just come from earth so it would do him no good to lie. God then brings up the subject Satan didn’t want to discuss … Job’s response to the loss of everything.
That brings us to yet another question.
J. DID SATAN ADMIT THAT JOB TRULY LOVED GOD?
ANSWER: JOB 2:4-5 – 4“Skin for skin!” Satan replied. “A man will give all he has for his own life. 5But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.”
Satan would not only not admit Job truly loved God, he said that anyone could give up everything as long as he himself wasn’t affected physically. In other words, Satan was saying Job continued to love God only because he was still healthy.
And so we roll right into another question.
K. HOW DID GOD RESPOND TO SATAN’S NEW CHALLENGE?
ANSWER: JOB 2:6 – The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.”
God’s patience is amazing. He could have told Satan to quit making excuses. He could have ordered Satan out of his presence. He could have destroyed Satan … and of course you and I with our limited view of things wonder why he didn’t … but instead he tells Satan to do what he wants with Job as long as he didn’t take his life.
If you are not familiar with the story of Job you must be wondering.
L. WHAT DID SATAN DO TO JOB?
ANSWER: JOB 2:7-8 – 7So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the tope of his head. 8Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.
Job had to be miserable. His pain was no doubt intense. He would have been a terrible looking sight. Some of the boils no doubt had opened and were oozing pus.
That finally brings us to the place where Kathy Rowley made the statement that caught my attention. Remember Kathy, who had suffered so many loses, said, “I also gained a new perspective on the infamous words of his (Job’s) wife.”
I have titled this section which contains the words of Job’s wife …
II. A DESPERATE CRY
Here it is!
JOB 2:9 – His wife said to him, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!”
So I said I never liked Mrs. Job very much. She always appeared to be a cold, hard hearted woman to me. That’s where Kathy’s perspective helped me see things in a different light. It’s a rather long quote, but I want you hear what Kathy wrote:
We often overlook the fact that Job’s wife suffered exactly the same losses that he did. She must have been devastated, especially over the deaths of her children. Then, a few days later, she came upon her husband – the last vestige of her life – sitting in ashes, repenting. He was covered from head to toe with boils and was scraping his skin with a piece of broken pottery. I grow anxious just imagining the scene, for I spent years in a state of high alert over the thought of Husband down! I suspect that, in that moment, Job’s wife’s greatest fear was that, on top of everything else, she was also about to lose her husband.
In tremendous loss, there is fear of losing even more. Helplessness and despair wash away hope. God seems distant, aloof, uncaring. I grew so resigned to losing that it was my only expectation, and I wanted to get it over with. Whatever else God was going to take away, I wished He’d hurry up and do it so I could get on with my life.
So when Job’s wife advised him to “curse God and die,” I don’t believe she was speaking out of foolishness but crushing grief. Instead of a tone of disrespect, I imagine a tear-filled, exhausted voice. I interpret “Curse God and die” as a cry for relief: “Just get this over with.”
Kathy’s view makes a lot of sense to me. You would expect Job’s wife to be a godly woman when you look at other aspects of his life. Kathy is exactly right. Mrs. Job lost just as much as Job lost except for her health.
Sometimes a woman’s view can shed light on things that we as men often miss.
Women often grieve in ways different from men. Women often experience feelings and emotions to a greater depth than men. Women do not box up emotional feelings and put them up on a shelf like most men do. Mrs. Job lost ten children … ten children she carried in her womb and delivered in pain.
Mrs. Job was a woman grieving, so let’s look at how Job responded to her so we can learn to be gracious to those who are grieving. I call it …
III. THE RIGHT RESPONSE
Let’s read his response and then we will look at why I believe it is the right response.
JOB 2:10 – He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not troubles?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
In the past I viewed this as Job rebuking his wife. I could hear him saying …
“You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not troubles?” But knowing Job was a godly man, a man who was blameless, why should I think he would be so hard on his wife who was nearly overcome by grief. I now think he gave ….
A. A GENTLE RESPONSE
It probably sounded like this …
“You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not troubles?” I believe his response, was one of kindness and encouragement. Her faith was struggling and so Job was allowing her to draw upon his faith.
In the same way, we can lend our faith to those who are staggering under grief’s weight.
Here is what Kathy Rowley had to say about her experience.
When circumstances weakened my trust that God knew what was best for my life, I held on to the lifeline of others’ faith. Their loyal friendship and gentle words of encouragement helped me go the distance, even in moments when numbing heartache made what they said seem meaningless.
Those who are grieving often say things that are foolish and perhaps even sinful, but by extending grace and responding with comfort and encouragement, we can help them regain their strength when their loss seems too much to bear.
Job’s response was also right because it was not only gentle it was also …
B. A TRUTHFUL RESPONSE
In gentleness Job told his wife – “God is in control.”
Job didn’t preach a sermon to his wife. He quietly helped bring her focus back to God by reminding her that if we accept good things in life from God, we must also be willing to accept bad things, because God is in control.
Job comforted and encouraged his wife and at the same time honored God.
CONCLUSION
Like Job’s wife, those who are grieving often speak as one of the foolish. If we extend grace to them by giving gentle encouragement and at the same time remaining true to our faith, we can help them regain their strength when their loss seems too much to bear.
Remember, you can’t help those who are grieving if you avoid them or if you preach at them.
Learn from Job and extend grace to those who are grieving even when they say or do things that may be shocking to you.